How to find, and keep, a good man

Some people believe that as a pastor I shouldn’t deal with these types of topics either in church or via social media. They are offended because I am raw in how I bring the practical wisdom of God.

But if you feel that way, take time to hear what God has given me to say. So many have come back from their offense and said to me, “If only I had been told these things when I was younger. My life would have been better.”

As someone who sits with people regularly to help them find solutions in the painful experiences of their lives, I can tell you that people are bothered less by how to speak in tongues, and far more by this question, “How can I find a good man and then have the wisdom to keep him?” That is what this article is all about!

First of all, it’s more important that you BECOME the right person even more than it is to FIND the right person for yourself. Become the caliber of person you want to be married to first. You are unlikely to attract a disciplined, praying man who serves God with passion if you yourself never do any of these things!

Until you start enjoying your own company, no one else will ever fully enjoy you either. People will treat you and feel about you the exact same way you do about yourself, so determine to start being someone that you are happy being. Find an activity that you enjoy, or a sport or interest that you can participate in, so that your life becomes full, fun and attractive.

When you are looking to date make sure you make the most of the way you look. It’s true that God looks at the heart, but people look at the outward appearance! Don’t worry, no matter what your shape or size, someone is going to want what you have to offer, so don’t advertise your goods cheaply unless you want cheap bidders! Have confidence in the person God created you to be, and carry yourself with dignity and allure!

Don’t even consider pairing up with someone you don’t actually like, just because you appreciate his “spirit”. What else do you like about him? When you go home together, you won’t be making love to his spirit. Make sure that he makes your knees wobble and your live quiver before you take things forward in the romantic arena.

If you haven’t worked out what you like in a man, you may just pull up because someone is open! This is a tragedy for your future happiness. Most women who married a fool know it, but it still remains their private pain. Work out what are your non-negotiables and stick with them, without being unrealistic.

Develop the art of spotting an uncut gem – if a man is already polished and amazing, the chances are that he belongs to someone else! You will have to be prepared to be a king-maker and build up your own man to become one who sits with the elders at the city gate, as it says in Proverbs 31:23. With your help and love, your man will become a man of distinction, honor and influence, so don’t despise his rough edges and write him off. If he has the potential to be someone, take notice.

Investigate the man before you say “I do.” Don’t be in too much hurry to get to the altar otherwise you may end up marrying a total stranger! Incidentally, if the man you are dating won’t introduce you to his family or friends, the chances are you are a spare rib!

This is a big one: don’t look for a husband to make you happy. If you believe that will be his responsibility, you will be constantly plagued by depression and resentment. Contribute some happiness that he can enjoy with you. A woman with a light spirit will always attract a man, because he will want to be in on her joy.

Even though your relationship will inevitably have areas of weakness, if you focus on what’s wrong with your mate, things will get worse but if you start being grateful for the things that rock your world about them, you will be amazed at how much heaven will move on your relationship to fix even the not so good stuff.

Don’t discuss the intimacies or challenges of your marital relationship with other girlfriends or family members. This is intolerable for a man and you will drive him away if he senses that your loyalty is with your girlfriend or your mother rather than with him. If you need help resolving some issues, go together to find pastoral help from someone you both respect.

As a married woman you sometimes need to stop praying and just make love to your husband! He can handle anything else that is coming against him in life as long as he is affirmed in bed. Don’t let things get boring and samey; add some spice and some fun in your times of intimacy together.

You can speak in tongues of men and angels, but if the romantic sparkle goes out, your relationship is in trouble. So don’t come to bed wearing an old tee shirt and grandma’s big knickers! Take trouble to look good, even after years of marriage. It will feed your relationship.

Give yourself clear boundaries: don’t flirt with anyone you have no business building an intimate relationship with now that you have made your choice of a man to share your life with. Maintaining contact with your single male friends or old boyfriends will cause unease and distrust in your relationship, so don’t fight it – let them go.

Finally, the strength of your relationship will be in committing and building together. Make sure you enjoy shared times of recreation and fun, and let him know that he is your number one priority and he has your undivided admiration and respect. As time goes on, the greatest thing you can give to him is the permission to make mistakes and to be human, because your forgiveness will be the key thing that keeps him pressing forward for better as you grow into maturity together.


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5 Comments on How to find, and keep, a good man

  1. Edith K. Conerly // August 1, 2013 at 1:32 pm // Reply

    Wow, Dr. Ram!
    Such valuable information for someone who will be 60 in the month of August. Some many truths are brought to the forefront in your ministry, that should have always been addressed in the House of the Lord! Worth the post

  2. Fantastic pratical advice thank you

  3. Good tots pastor.very powerful.

  4. Love my pastors

  5. Woow wonderful topic..

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