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The dance of fear in relationships

4-8-15 3

What is it that poisons what could otherwise be good relationships? Why do we behave in ways that we didn’t expect to?

We love God and believe we are tight with Him, and yet our relationships are shot! It seems that as we get closer to one another, we provoke the wrong things out of each other.

It’s easy to be nice to your casual friends, and overlook the offense of a stranger, but it is harder to forget the things that the person that you love did to do.

Relationships are shattered, intentionally or unintentionally, because people keep hurting each other.

You try to love like God, but you’re not God. God is pure love, but you are still under construction. God is not affected by what you say, but you are affected by what people say, especially if they mean something to you.

Your most intimate relationships are your sickness and your medicine – they are the source of your greatest pleasure and your toughest pain.

Society doesn’t deal in reality, however, so you have to come out smiling and hide your pain. You have legitimate needs, but you can’t show them. You learn to play the game.

You don’t know if the pastor likes you or doesn’t like you, so you feel insecure.

If your parents withdraw approval as a form of punishment, you never have the assurance that you are completely loved.

You need acceptance and you fear rejection, and any sign of rejection puts you in self-defense mode. These are involuntary reflex reactions. You want connection, so you fear disconnection.

You want to feel secure, but you have been abandoned so many times that you are clingy, and yet you know that men pursue women who are happy and willing to share that happiness, and that they are driven away by women who are depressed!

You are looking for the one person who will be everything for you, but you get disappointed. How come God couldn’t make just one person who was the whole package for you??

I call it the dance of fear in relationships. It’s about performing to please people. If you have to protect yourself from the person with whom you are in relationship, you are in a dance of fear. You are tempted to settle for relationships where you use and are being used by others, to avoid the risk of genuine intimacy.

There are two things you must do.

Tell the people with whom you are in close relationship, “You don’t have to perform for me; I love you as you are. Don’t give me your strengths, give me your weaknesses. Don’t try to hide your mistakes in order to impress me”

What does this do? It creates a place of safety for the people close to you. It is as if you draw a line around yourself and say, “Anyone close to me is automatically accepted for who they are.” The greatest gift you can give to anyone, is that of forgiveness.

As you do this first you activate the Kingdom of God in your situation. In the world you take first and then give towards others. But in the Kingdom of God you make happen for someone else first, what you also want, and your seed provokes the harvest you seek.

The second thing is this: tell your Heavenly Father, “You alone have my heart. No human being and no activity, no matter how exhilarating or purposeful, can fulfill me. My security is in your love for me, and in nothing else. Today I receive you as the God of my broken places. I will not run or hide; this is what I am and I give it all to you”

Many times you are broken in relationship because you let someone exert a disproportionate influence over you. You invested more than they could be responsible for. Your heart led you into something that isn’t feeding you back.

It’s time to take back the responsibility for your wholeness and place it in the hands of the only One who can truly handle you.

Your Heavenly Father knows how to hold you and to heal your brokenness. He will give you relationships where it will be possible for you to overcome your fear and find acceptance. He hasn’t given up on relationships or the family. There is no plan B from God. He is able to bring you through.

As you do this you draw a line around yourself. You put your relationship with God before any other and you preserve within yourself a reservoir of strength and love that no hurt can ever extinguish.

 

 

 

2 Comments on The dance of fear in relationships

  1. prabhu kiran // April 18, 2015 at 7:03 am // Reply

    amen thank u bro u teach the relationship

  2. Steve Lameck // July 28, 2015 at 8:24 pm // Reply

    You are really a blessing to me pastor for valuing my life with deepest spiritual truths drilled in the word of God in Christ Jesus!

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